Quotes by Groucho Marx

"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?"

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women."

Posted: 1 May 2006

Quotes by Yogi Bara

"I want to thank everyone who made this night necessary."

"It's like déjà vu all over again."

"I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

"I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question."

Posted: 1 May 2006

Quotes by miscellaneous people

"Sheep are slow and tasty, and therefore must remain constantly alert." (Bruce Schneier)

"We americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities." (Robin Williams,"Good Morning Vietnam")

"The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse." (anon)

"When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around and hope somebody would invent television so we could play Nintendo." (anon)

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." -- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. -- His reply

"That shoe fits him like a glove." (anon)

Susi: "Last night I dreamed that I was an intelligence services agent."
Friend: "Oh, really? What happened?"
Susi: "I'm not allowed to talk about it."

"I'd like to use the word atychiphobia, but I'm afraid of not being able to pronounce it." (me)

"Extremely tedious people don't get that way by accident. It takes years of practice." (me)

"I may well be leading a dreadful abortion, but at least it's my own abortion." (The Egotist)

"Authority is a device which enables one to remain constantly in error without suffering the adverse effects of recriminiations." (me)

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." (W. C. Fields)

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." (Robert McCloskey)

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."" (anon)

"I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes." (Oscar Wilde)

"Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess." (Oscar Wilde)

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." (Matt Lauer)

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield)

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." (Steve Martin)

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." (Emo Philips)

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." (Woody Allen)

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." (Unknown)

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Steven Seagal)

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." (Robin Williams)

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" (Marilyn Pittman)

Posted: 1 May 2006