Tags: comedy, business consulting

• Title: Bastards!
• Category: Comedy
• Author: Patrick Mackeown
• Posted: 1 April 2006

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Consultant: "Hello, you are the proprietor I presume?"

Customer: "That's correct, who on earth are you?"

Consultant: "I'm from your management consultancy. We're late for the stock market launch, of this software company. I've done a staff skills audit and I've come to the conclusion that you don't have any computer programmers."

Customer: "What not one?"

Consultant: "Not a single one I'm afraid, in fact you are the only employee."

Customer: "Do you think that'll be a problem?"

Consultant: "We don't call things problems, we call them potential solutions."

Customer: "Why has your management consultancy fixed all our programmers salaries at twenty three pence a year?"

Consultant: "That's all the money you have!"

Customer: "But our capitalisation was set at forty eight million only last week!"

Consultant: "Er, yes, I know. Yesterday we gave the whole lot to your new managing director as a bonus."

Customer: "What, all of it?"

Consultant: "Er, yes, I'm afraid so."

Customer: "Why so much?"

Consultant: "Well, you see it's the only way to attract a famous executive to your company. We had to bleed the company dry and give all the proceeds to the executive."

Customer: "So how much do we have left?"

Consultant: "Do you want me to give you a precise figure?"

Customer: "Yes please."

Consultant: "Er, nothing."

Customer: "What will happen to the software we were working on before we hired your company at vast expense?"

Consultant: "It'll never work I'm afraid, but don't worry. My company is famous for launching software companies which can't program computers. We do it all the time. Most are for government projects of course, but luckily for you, most ordinary companies these days, buy dysfunctional software too."

Customer: "Don't you think it's necessary for a computer program to work?"

Consultant: "Not if it involves staying after 5.30"

Customer: "What if it runs a nuclear power station?"

Consultant: "Is the power station anywhere near Bexley Heath?"

Customer: "No, why?"

Consultant: "I live in Bexley Heath."

Customer: "Oh, I see. Well, what do you propose I do next?"

Consultant: "Have you any personal assets?"

Customer: "Yes, some, a house for instance."

Consultant: "Get rid of them."

Customer: "Yes of course, you mean transfer them into my wife's name, bank account in Jersey, that sort of thing."

Consultant: "No I don't. I mean, get rid of them, out, out, out!"

Customer: "I'm sorry, I'm not following you, get rid of them how exactly?"

Consultant: "Go up to the first person you meet, outside in the street and give them absolutely everything. In fact I see one now, there, that young boy."

Customer: "He looks a lot like you."

Consultant: "Does he really? I don't think so, honestly. Don't open that door. It's awfully cold in here just now. Chuck a cheque out of the window, it's far easier."

Boy: "Hello dad."

Consultant: "Dad, er, yes, that's consultancy speak for dominance after deductions. Hello young man, I'm Spencer McKlintock."

Boy: "No you're not. You're my dad."

Consultant: "I say, is that a gigantic bird trying to peck its way through the sky-light?"

Hits the boy around the head -wack-

Boy: "Ouch! What was that for?"

Consultant: "Get back up the street and out of sight!"

Customer: "I can't see anything."

Consultant: "It must have gone. They fly awfully fast these large birds, you know. Is that the time? Well, I really must be getting along."

Customer: "Must you be going so soon? Well, goodbye then."

They shake hands.

Customer, to himself: "That's funny. I could swear I put my watch on this morning."

 

Comedy continues in pdf.