Tags: police comedy

• Title: A Policeman's Lot
• Category: Comedy
• Author: Patrick Mackeown
• Posted: 1 April 2006

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DC Percival Howard: "Morning, Solly, where have you been? It's almost eleven o'clock. Superintendent Mulligan's after you again. The crime figures were due in today. Remember them?"

DC Sole Steplightly: "I got sidetracked, mate. I should have been here earlier. I know that. But I had plumbing to do. And you know what that's like; it has to be done there and then."

DC Howard: "But, Sol, you've only just moved into a brand new house. I can't believe your plumbing's broken already. Surely not!"

DC Steplightly: "There's nothing wrong with my waterworks. Whatever makes you think that?"

He takes his jacket off and pegs it up behind the office door. And then, flicking a cigarette neatly into his mouth, he lights it, using a Donald Duck-shaped novelty lighter.

DC Steplightly: "I got wieghlaid by Chesty Sue from number twenty two. She wanted me to sort her tubes out this morning. I caught her sun bathing yesterday afternoon."

Solly cups his hands in front of his chest in a vulgar gesture.

DC Steplightly: "Twenty minutes later I had her rusty pipes spread out on the kitchen table."

PC Howard's jaw drops.

DC Howard: "But, Sol, I thought you and Dawn were giving your marriage one last chance."

DC Steplightly: "We were. Well, I mean, that is, until Chesty Sue called me over."

DC Howard: "Oh, Christ, here comes Mulligan. You'd better have the first two sheets of my crime statistics to give him. Pretend that they're yours. And don't tell him about the plumbing for Christ's sake. Make something up, and quickly."

Superintendent Mulligan: "There you are, DC Steplightly. I've been looking for you all morning. Where the hell have you been? You know it's Home Office crime reporting day, don't you? Where are your monthly crime statistics?"

Solly holds out a neatly package folder.

DC Steplightly: "Sir, they're here."

Superintendent Mulligan ignores the folder.

Superintendent Mulligan: "I've told you before to have your figures prepared on time. One last chance I said. One last chance, Steplightly, or out you go. Well, this is it, Steplightly. Steplightly, this is it. I want to know where your figures are. Where are they, Steplightly?"

DC Steplightly: "Sir, they're here."

Superintendent Mulligan gives a curious high-pitched laugh and brushes Solly's folder to one side.

Superintendent Mulligan: "Don't think I'll give an empty folder to the Crime Management Review Board. I'm not stupid, you know."

Solly opens the folder and removes several neatly typed sheets of paper. Superintendent Mulligan takes the notes gingerly and emits his laugh again as he does so.

Superintendent Mulligan: "CPS advisory notices, crime reports, times, places, follow-ups, criminal intelligence reports and computer data, all in the correct order. I don't understand. How can this have happened?"

DC Steplightly puffs his chest out.

DC Steplightly: "Well, sir. First an alert comes in. Then I attend the scene of the crime. I fill out my notebook with a pencil."

Superintendent Mulligan's face begins to redden.

Superintendent Mulligan: "I know how to attend to the scene of a crime, you blithering idiot! I was a sergeant when you were still wearing short trousers! How did you get these reports filled in? That's what I want to know?"

Solly looks helplessly at DC Howard. DC Howard's head has disappeared below the level of his desk. DC Howard's phone begins to ring. But, because the detective won't sit up straight, Solly has to answer it.

DC Steplightly: "Enhanced protection? Who needs enhanced protection? That's specialist firearms operations you'll be needing. What are you calling CID for? You want who protected? Mulligan? Hang on a minute. Look, I know that Mulligan's a bit of a prick sometimes, but surely that's not a good reason to shoot him."

Superintendent Mulligan's eyes widen and his mouth drops open. DC Howard reappears above the level of his desk.

Superintendent Mulligan: "Give me that telephone! George? What's all this nonsense about having me shot? Is this some sort of practical joke? The Connoleys? Mick Connoleys? Out of Wormwood Scrubs? When? This morning? Ten thousand pounds? On me? Blimey! Are you sure?"

Superintendent Mulligan sits down and lets the telephone reciever drop onto the floor.

Superintendent Mulligan: "The Connoleys, the biggest, baddest crime family in the whole of Nottingham has put out a contract on my head for ten thousand pounds."

Solly and Howard exchange sympathetic glances.

DC Howard: "My God! Sir, that's terribe. Ten thousand pounds to have you killed."

DC Steplightly: "Yes, sir, terrible. I'd have thought you'd have been worth a lot more than that."

 

Sketch Two - contained in pdf